Two wars; ground-breaking healthcare legislation, cap & trade near to passing; new violence in Iran; a prominent governor admits to traveling to his lover in Argentina on the public's dime, the passing of Farrah Fawcett, and EVERY GODDAMN CABLE NEWS SHOW HAS BEEN PRE-EMPTED BY ENDLESS NARRATION AND NEWS COPTER VIEWS OF THE CROWD GATHERING OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL WHERE MICHAEL JACKSON DIED!
Jackson was a pop star, btw and a peculiar has-been at that.- why must the news machine be halted?
Time again to reprint one of the few great ideas we've ever had: The Celebrity Death Channel, a modest proposal from 2005 when a pope died and ruined the teevee news for weeks.
Real news won't be re-booted until after the world's flock of Cardinals flutter into the Vatican and go through the elongated white smoke and gilded mirrors of a Papal campaign and election.The excitement, however, will be in sostenuto, and behind closed doors. Stale wafers of information placed on the tongues of reporters by Vatican minions will have to do.
Princess Di's doings blocked out the sun for nearly half a year.
It could be like one very long late Friday afternoon--that time of the Washington week when politicians own up to embarrassing mistakes or announce dubious decisions by sneaking them into the sparsely read Saturday editions. George Bush could pull some tricks while the press are snoring at their keyboards in the Vatican pressroom and the suckers are watching the sectarian Roman spectacle. He might invade Iran, appoint Ron Silver to the Supreme Court; go on a bender or make good on his promise to put a man on Mars. No one would know for weeks, if at all.
My solution to the imminent smarm-fed bore-fest and subsequent loss of national productivity caused by these endless public memorials is for the cable companies to put up the Celebrity Death Channel.
(photo: Farrah Fawcett)
When a notable shuffles the mortal coil, here would be a 24/7 place for remembrances, caskets, biers, corteges, catafalques, riderless horses and empty boots. There'll be Lilies of the Valley and teddy bears, stirring words, and precious moments; teary eyes, eerie ties and candles lit by the 1000. You'd hear Gregorian chants,"Glory, glory Hallelujah," taps; and 'Amazing Grace' played on bagpipe, bugle, organ and fleugel or sung by overdressed children or the Norman Naberclacle Choir.
The Celebrity Death Channel could be a heartfelt place for those actually interested in mourning a public figure in the comfort of their own home with a few million close friends, and strive to attain that blessed Nirvana of our age: closure.
Posted by michael hood on February 25, 2005 at 09:04 AM in HUMOR IN A JUGULAR VEIN | Permalink
I remember, as a five year old, my aunt escorted my brothers and me to see the Jackson 5. It was 1971, and the winter. That was cool. As I grew into my teenage years Jazz permeated me. As I listened to Monk, Bob James and Michael Franks, my wife listened to Michael Jackson. Now she and my Daughters and I are watching his videos.
Posted by: Anom | June 25, 2009 at 08:53 PM
yep....and it will go on for a couple more days, is my guess.
Gov. Sanford is very happy tonight...
I vote yes on your idea, Michael.
Rita Cosby could be the host.
Posted by: sparky | June 25, 2009 at 09:41 PM
Michael
I have insider info that this is a Christian plot.
Three days from now MJ will rise from the dead and proclaim himself as the second coming.
The event is going to be witnessed by Geraldo who has already requested permission to open the tomb.
Posted by: sms | June 25, 2009 at 10:16 PM
I love the idea! I just posted my little irritable monologue on the last thread about Sanford.
Honestly, my best moment today was when Brad said he wouldn't be spending time on all the dead celebrities because that's what msm was for and he was doing progressive media!
His words and tone mimicked mine completely.
Sometimes, dear heart, you have really good ideas!
Posted by: joanie | June 25, 2009 at 10:40 PM
Even network tv is canceling regular programing for MJ. PLEASE MSM, CAN WE HAVE OUR NEWS BACK. I Don't mind stories about MJ but this is toooooo much.
Posted by: gorkri | June 25, 2009 at 11:25 PM
Obama catches another break. Good thing for him most Americans can't see past there Entertainment Tonight
Posted by: Rush | June 25, 2009 at 11:53 PM
Yes. Republicans across the country are happy they are not being constantly reminded that we have a black man for a president now.
Posted by: jesuschrysler | June 26, 2009 at 12:17 AM
Absolute rubbish!
Posted by: cioler | June 26, 2009 at 06:50 AM
The most important thing that I did yesterday was call Congressman Baird's office and express my concerns over the cap and trade crap.
My industry is already in the crapper and that will just finish it off and eliminate the jobs of the 225000 people that are still working in it. Cap and trade will wipe out what is left of our steel and aluminum industry as well and send all of those jobs to China.
I don't know of anybody that can afford the increase in cost of heat for their home, gas for their car or the inflationary spiral that will come with this crap and tax legislation.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 08:04 AM
The cable news nets are, to some degree, trapped when there's a big story. The reality is that viewers are constantly tuning in (and out). If a cable newser pulls back from The Big Story, even for a few moments, it's probably going to lose a lot of viewership.
And hey, Chucks... could you at least TRY to make your comment relevant to the topic at hand? Otherwise, get your own damn blog. It's not hard.
Posted by: jvwalt | June 26, 2009 at 08:37 AM
jvwalt
Take a look at Bla'M's very first sentence in this post.
I will of coarse concede that Michael Jackson is dead. Hell, it was on the news yesterday and again this morning. We will soon plant his ass in the ground and move on. Same as when Elvis, Lennon and Buddy died. We will listen to and enjoy their music for years to come. Might even have a warm thought or memory cross our minds now and again.
Cap and trade is going to kill industry and our economy for years to come. But guys like Gore will get filthy rich in the near future.
You don't need to apologise. I understand your passion.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 09:09 AM
Americans dealing with the tragedy
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 09:39 AM
You might be right chucks, but Big Business is going to ship out US jobs anyway. The technology is there to produce goods without destroying the planet, but they don't want to pay out any money that could otherwise go in the CEO's pocket.
Unfortunately, with gas prices staying high, RV travel is going to disappear, I think.
We might as well be able to breathe while we are out looking for work.
Posted by: sparky | June 26, 2009 at 09:53 AM
But at the same time sparky, if you are going to have to live on the street, isn't global warming a good thing?
I really prefer being too warm to being too cold.
This thing (cap and tax) is going to kill many more industry's than mine. Coal, cars, rv's, metals, oil, plastic, logging, shipping, airline, agriculture, transportation et al.
This is one of those huge pieces of legislation with tons of unknown unintended consequences.
Who do you know in anyone of these industry's or suppliers to any of these industry's that rely on these jobs (including you as a teacher that rely on these folks to pay taxes) to feed their families?
Call your congress critter. Say no.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 10:10 AM
I know a lot of those people! What I am saying is, even if this bill does not pass, corporations are looking for locations where people will work for pennies and there are NO regulations. This bill might hasten the process, but unless someone steps in and makes it harder to do this, jobs are going to continue to be shipped out.
Meanwhile, unchecked climate changes will affect weather and rain patterns, which will affect the ability to grow crops...and that open several other cans of worms as far as feeding people, transporting goods around the planet, jobs, health, etc.
We are kinda screwed either way, aren't we.
Posted by: sparky | June 26, 2009 at 10:27 AM
Ronald Reagan died?
Oh, you must mean his father.
Never mind.
Posted by: David Tatelman | June 26, 2009 at 10:50 AM
All I know sparky, is that we have no idea how much negative effect this legislation is going to have above that which I suggested.
This is more legislation based on throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks. Not well thought out and again, unread by the folks voting on it.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 11:01 AM
Drew, That's a funny site. Thanks for the link. I favorited it for now.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 11:05 AM
Why try to argue with an expert on everything, Sparky? Face it, his concern is money, money, money and he can't see further than his bank account.
And he doesn't know why he believes what he believes, he just knows he believes it.
I guess somebody told him to believe it. Thinking is not allowed.
Of course, the fact that most of our manufacturing is already off shore or regulated by Walmart seems not to bother him.
Trying to inform one of the famous five million Fixed News watchers is futile. So, I say: quit trying.
Posted by: joanie | June 26, 2009 at 11:59 AM
chucks, I agree with you totally on the cap 'n trade issue. I'm just sick about it and the potential negative impact it may likely have on the economic survival of this country.
This may well be This Person’s legacy.
Posted by: Kings Hunter | June 26, 2009 at 12:00 PM
The msm actually covers "news?" I must have missed a memo. Actually, I was in the mood for a rememberance of MJ last night. The best coverage was on E. That's where it should have been. The suprise was that BET didn't interupt their programming. I miss the days when Headline News carried Headline news, CourtTV covered the courts, Music TeleVision covered music, the Cable News Network covered news 24/7, and all of the major networks had competitive news departments.
Having what is left of our news services go bannanas over the death of a celebrity was not a suprise. That shark was jumped a decade ago.
Posted by: LucasFoxx | June 26, 2009 at 12:00 PM
You prove my point, Mr. Hunter. Your facts are based on emotions and pictures. You'd do well in first grade.
BTW, where is Mrs. Hunter?
Posted by: joanie | June 26, 2009 at 12:01 PM
joanie why are you always so negative and so hard on chucks. I just dont understand it?
Posted by: Kings Hunter | June 26, 2009 at 12:15 PM
You are stupid beyond a normal persons comprehension joanie. You live in your nice little world, not having to worry about an income as you just get one. Joanie just has to correct a few first graders papers and complain about how hard it is. You are a lonely old broad that does not need to be concerned about feeding a family or keeping a roof over their heads. You don't need to be concerned about keeping many others working either.You will be cared for by the tax payers until the day you die. I get that.
Most of us work for small business. The folks that will get screwed by this shit. Another huge, emergency rush to pass bill that not a one of them has read.
You just try going 11 months without a job and not be a little concerned about money you dumb bitch.
So you and your friend BB go do whatever it is you two do this week end and kiss my ass.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 12:20 PM
By the way Sparky, were we arguing? If we were, I had no idea. I thought we were just sharing thoughts and ideas.
And, as usual, in a very civil maner.
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 12:23 PM
You are correct Chuck. Obummer and the lib congress dont have the brains to look at Spain and England who have felt the sting of cap & trade.
I would also bet not one congressman has read the 1200 page bill and they were allowed a whole three hrs to read the bill by Nancy's gang. Another stimulus bill type effort. Neither will work.
Hoyer said it will not cost more than $175.00/year per family. Then why is there a provision to give a cash rebate to lower income levels (1.5 times the poverty level) via direct deposit?
Posted by: Queens Hunter | June 26, 2009 at 12:50 PM
When I decide to slap you around, chucks, you will know it.
Posted by: sparky | June 26, 2009 at 01:56 PM
Michael- Up your Ass !!!
Posted by: Ray Sispig | June 26, 2009 at 02:58 PM
Often in our media rich environment we get swept up in politcal bantering and deaths of the stars forgetting some real stars are dying for us.
A small town lost one of their soldiers recently and repsects were paid to the soldier as he was taken to his final resting place.
As I watched, a huge lump formed in my throat and I couldnt help but tear a bit.
Take a moment and watch. Nonpolitical-just a moving goodbye to their loved one, friend, and citizen who gave his all.
http://blip.tv/play/AYGJ5h6YgmE
Posted by: Queens Hunter | June 26, 2009 at 03:28 PM
Hello ? This media cares about ratings above what the people really want - they, like Congress are out of control. the O-bots are the only ones interested in watching the bizzaro life of Michael Jackson ad nauseum- he had real talent/no doubt and real wierdness.
The House Democrats will pay in the next election for attempting to rahm through this fraudulent Climate bill - even if it doesn't pass. The saving grace is that this bill won't be implemented until after 2012.
Posted by: KS | June 26, 2009 at 03:48 PM
Fox news interrupted O Reilly for this, how can they be part of the plan too?
Posted by: Coiler | June 26, 2009 at 04:20 PM
queen, did you see "Taking Chance" on HBO? It's about an officer following the body of a young man from Iraq to his home in the midwest. Really really good show.
Posted by: sparky | June 26, 2009 at 05:18 PM
To say that the people who support Obama are also the ones who are demanding all of this 24/7 celebrity coverage has zero basis. If it were true, ks wouldn't be able to explain most of the comments here, especially the posted topic.
ks, are you saying that Jackson caused global warming? Or are you suggesting his death had something to do with cap and trade? Make the connection, or get back on topic.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 05:19 PM
coiler- Bill-O was so distraught over Jackson's death, he took tonight off, putting up in his place another corpse; Laura Ingraham. Keith is going to be talking about the rest of the news, while Ingraham will continue to force us all to mourn.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 05:23 PM
oh that's good, I'm sure FOX will go back to saying Mark Sanford is a dem.
Posted by: Coiler | June 26, 2009 at 06:21 PM
OhReally said he was going to be dealing with those he felt were treating Sanford unfairly, and today Bill-O is MIA. He's probably leading his goon squad personally this time. Or there's a 2-for-1 sale on at Loofah City that he just couldn't pass up.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 06:40 PM
Sparky
I did not see the show but heard a lot about it and that it was very well done. Military is getting so much better at taking care of the fallen and the families before, during, and afterward of the ceremonies.
There has been a big culture change with the military in the last 20-30 years from young Rambos to more family oreiented.
Thank goodness we still have the Rambo type too. Haji wishes we didnt have them.
Posted by: Queens Hunter | June 26, 2009 at 08:53 PM
Hey Coiler, did you see that "D" on FOX News. It was on for a grand total of 7 seconds, caught and corrected to an "R". Big deal, huh?
Posted by: chucks | June 26, 2009 at 09:28 PM
Not unless your network has done it before with intent.
FOX: Habitually Mislabeling Politicians since 2006
Posted by: Coiler | June 26, 2009 at 09:44 PM
They put the "D" back on again later in the afternoon. That would indicate that both were deliberate attempts, especially when they've done this a few months ago. If this were accidental, then they are too stupid to be doing the news.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 09:44 PM
7 seconds is the attention span of the FOX viewer, that is all they are shooting for.
Posted by: Coiler | June 26, 2009 at 09:53 PM
I stand corrected, Coiler. There were many attempts by Fux News to mislabel on their programs. No wonder the cons love 'em. Sometime in the middle of January '09 they must have lost that agreement to get the WH talking points delivered directly to the news desk. That was sure handy for them.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 09:56 PM
Drew,
Loofah City???
Damn.
Posted by: M.Steele | June 26, 2009 at 10:52 PM
Gee, chucks, one minute your telling us that poor people are just lazy and the next your waxing poetic on what it's like being out of a job. Poor baby. Make up your mind.
BTW, I'm sure in a previous life you were one of the blacksmiths that cursed the arrival of the car. You're a whiner.
And you wonder why I hold you in such disregard.
Posted by: joanie | June 26, 2009 at 10:52 PM
chux is out of work? What a dichotomy. Is he collecting unemployment, because that's an entitlement, and we don't want chux to get too lazy livin' off Big Gu'ment. If he's waitin' fo just that perfect job, our economy can't stand fo that. He best be gettin' off the dole, and in line to get that career started as a Mall*Wart greeter.
Posted by: Drew | June 26, 2009 at 11:23 PM
Touched by an Anvil.
Posted by: Coiler | June 26, 2009 at 11:23 PM
Lest I be misconstrued, no he's not unemployed currently. But he was. Of course, his wife is a State worker so he's got his gumment handout whether he's employed or unemployed.
He's one of those charmin' fellas who sells for a living and listens to every word Rush and the guys on Fixed News utter. And the only time Sparky took his little beliefs to task, he scolded her.
He's a sexist (can't you tell from the names he calls me and the way he talks about women?) and he's ignorant as dirt. Because he's charmin', I keep hoping he'll open a book, read a newspaper or listen to honest news analysis one of these days.
But it ain't gonna happen.
I bet he doesn't even know what cap and trade is. Ya think?
Posted by: joanie | June 26, 2009 at 11:33 PM
She works for the State? So as Big Gu'ment expands, they hire more people just like her? And I suppose she enjoys benefits, like a retirement plan and health insurance? Couldn't somebody come along and just privatize her job? Might as well make a profit at it, especially if it means cutting the pay and eliminating beenfits. It's the conservative way of making our world more liveable. Wouldn't you be more comfortable knowing the folks inspecting bridge bolts and patroling the freeways are working for a shit wage?
Posted by: Drew | June 27, 2009 at 12:21 AM
Actually, what should happen is that they outsource her job to Asia. After all. all she does is crunch numbers for the State. They could get that done a whole lot cheaper in Singapore. And with the internet, why it's like being next door.
Hmm. I think you're on to something, Drew. I like it. It would save me some taxes for sure.
Selfishness It's for everyone. In America. If your a conservative
Posted by: joanie | June 27, 2009 at 01:38 AM
Yes, I am still unemployed. Had a temp job in Nov and another in January.
I took unemployment for a while as my old boss paid for it. It ran out in January. Have not and will not take the federal extention for my own reasons. Something to do with principles. Joanie would not understand.
My bride is an actuary for the state. I wish she would work in the private sector. As a brilliant mathmatition, she has the skills to support me properly.
Anyway, joanie is full of crap. Just because we do not like each other, she thinks it has to do with her womanhood. She knows that I love and respect strong, smart women. Just have no time for idiots and jerks of any gender thus I have no use for her.
By the way, how the heck can anybody know for certain that joanie is a woman? This is the innertubes and many people create weird personas. Hmmmm.
Posted by: chucks | June 27, 2009 at 05:58 AM