Freaky dancing, sex on talk radio, tiny tight teenage tushies, christian erotica, Kevlar underwear: a parent speaks out

Whoo-boy. We're not used to getting horny at the wheel of a car on the freeway on the way home from work. Honest.

But those two afternoon drive horn-dogs John Carlson (KVI m-f, 3-6p) and Dave Ross (KIRO m-f, 3-6p) got us hornier than a 3-peckered owl on Wednesday.

The subject: "freaky dancing." It's the latest way teenagers are driving their parents crazy. "The freaky" is pretty much, well...fucking without penetration on the dance floor with your clothes on--commonly performed at school dances.

It's also called "dirty dancing," "the grind," "booty dancing," "the nasty" and "the wax." The last creatively portrays the bending over position you assume when you wax a floor by hand (not, we would guess, a homey process too many teens are familiar with these days).

So you know what we're dealing with, here's a description from the United Church of God website:

USA Today reports: "Boys thrust their pelvises into girls' behinds to the throbbing bass of the hip-hop anthem 'Big Pimpin'.' One halter-topped girl stoops so far over the floor that she looks like a center primed to snap a football-except she's also gyrating wildly across a boy's groin" (Kathleen  Parker, "Freaking: Dance Craze Is Out of Step With Decency," Tribune Media Services).

Catherine Gewertz wrote in Education Week: "A girl might be on all fours, with one boy's pelvis pressed into her face and another's pressed into her bottom. They see boys on their backs with girls spread-eagled over them; girls bent forward with boys' hips thrust in their backsides...Articles of  clothing sometimes come off" ("'Freak Dancing' Craze Generates Friction, Fears," on-line edition).

One more depiction, written by a high school newspaper reporter: "Freaking could entail a girl in front and a guy behind, a guy and girl face-to-face,  two girls in the aforementioned positions, girl-guy-girl, girl-girl-guy or a whole  train of happy grinders" ("You Wanna Get Freaky With Me?" by Julia Kay, edition of Silver Chips, student newspaper for Montgomery  Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland).

The last configuration is what the kids call "freak trains."

(Those Christians really get into describing sex, n'est-ce pas? It's reminiscent of the bad old days when those priests and professional pecksniffs on the Legion of Decency were anointed to watch the dirty parts of movies and look at pornography so they could judge what the rest of us would be allowed to see. They--especially the celibates--probably loved their job, became connoisseurs and had some decent collections squirreled away).

Being libertines from a bygone era, we thought all this hard body humping sounded pretty good, and kicked ourselves for lacking the foresight of not being born more recently. The teen sex scene we endured involved white socks and bloodless hops; burrowing through crunchy crinoline strata and being stymied trying to breach the thick rubber walls of the defacto chastity belts of the era  euphemistically called panty girdles.

But the drive time boys Wednesday afternoon didn't look on this school cafeteria foreplay so fondly.  Altar boy Dave and Republican John, both of the Catholic "guilt without sex," persuasion, were scandalized, although we grokked some of the husky exuberance in their voices of the kind we always suspected of those Legionnaires of Decency.

They were so scandalized, in fact, they kept talking about it and talking about it. The humping, the pumping, the grinding together of young hard bodies separated only by the thinnest of synthetic fabrics. We kept punching the buttons between KVI and KIRO like a fool pleasuring himself before a keyboard late at night.

Except it was not late at night, or in the sexy intimacy of a home office-- it was 5:30 pm and we were speeding north on I-5.

A teen-age girl, phoning it in to Dave from Kirkland-- brunette with pony tails, very cute, very sexy, with those belly-pants they wear, and a stunning little magenta top-- talked about going to high school dances where panties were left discarded on the dance floor after each dance; and teams of swampers brought in to swab down the area for body fluids between tunes.

She wasn't the type of girl, she said, who'd participate, but she was not above describing in luscious detail the "girl-on-girl action," which she said was performed right there in the gyms and cafeteriae not because they were lesbians, but because they knew the boys thought it was hot.

Without dwelling too long on the fact that 16-year old girls know such things, we hadda agree: that is hot.

Cars whizzed by, headlights flashing, the steering wheel was sweaty and we were panting like a Percheron; feet worrying the pedals playing footsie with the Sentra with whom we'd always been platonic. It was a new commuting stress-- the opposite of road rage--road lust. And it was stoked by talk radio.

We can't relate on this family blog how this all ended, but the lust in our hearts and elsewhere was hardly extinguished as 6 o'clock rolled around and New York Vinnie (KIRO m-f, 6-9p) started talking about gynecology; encouraging women to call in to talk about sex in the stirrups and ungloved vaginal exams.

While BlatherWatch has no problem with freaky dancing--sounds like good clean fun--but we're definitely against it--and gynecology--as drivetime talk show topics. They violate community standards, appeal to prurient interests and could be dangerous to ourselves and others.

It's just another way conservative talk radio contributes to the moral decline of this country.

We thought Dave Ross's remark at the end of his show was especially inappropriate: He said: "Dads with teenage daughters need to look into lockable Kevlar undergarments with built-in diapers."

Tight teenage tushies in diapers: Yum!

Comments

[sara]

Don't touch that dial - Dori's annual (turkey) breast fondle is next week.

[Scrilla]

Are you ACTUALLY disappointed that you can't dish Hannity on anything BUT his content?

[artistdogboy]

It reminds me of the story of an rather conservative woman at work telling me how she was channel surfing and came upon (no pun intended) explicit porno being aired on the public access channel late one night. "it was totally disgusting and gross" she said. And then she added "and they continued to show the couple fornicating it for nearly a hour"

[CHPS]

I heard that last night too, and I got a little aroused and I'm not even a middle-aged man.
Shame on you for being born so long ago, Michael!

[Andrew]

This got me to thinking about wether sexual suggestion should be restricted in public, and
since it can distract people from going about there business as they would have otherwise I think it's fair to prohibit it to some degree.

Teenagers are particularily vulnerable to being caught off gaurd by it and need more protection against it than adults.

[sfadasda]

yeah, let's ban sex talk.....won't someone think of the children!!!???

God forbid a parent would actually have a conversation with their kids about sex.

Now let's go watch CSI and the graphic depictions of violence!!! Good family show for everyone!!!

Too bad this blog is stuck on AM, I would like to hear some insight on The Buzz 100.7fm talk radio and the shit going on over there in regards to censorship.

Thank god I live in Seattle, controlled not only by raving democrats, but sex hating feminazis.

Maybe we should extend the 4' rule to radios.

[Fred]

Better watch where you are going with this. Start banning sexual simulation on the radio and soon only criminals will get to talk about sexual simulation.
Everyone else will have to talk about the real thing.

[Andrew]

I'm not suggesting banning free speach relating to sex, or banning anything, especialy in your own home or private establishment, but some regulation of it's presentation in public would be good.

For example, those bill boards are getting pretty explicit, and something doesn't seem right about a congregation of middle school kids faking sex with eachother while music plays. I don't think that's something they should have to deal with at that age. I remember when I was that age I often couldn't concentrate at school due to sexual influences around me. It was very draining and frustrating. I don't think kids today should have to deal with it if we can help it.

The slope isn't that slippery, we already have decency laws as it is. I'm just asking that they be used to help someone rather than just push a puritan ethic.

[sparky]

Ah..the rapier wit is no longer as appreciated as in days of yore....

[Fremont]

51,366 hits now....

[Rich]

Off topic I know, I MISS AL FRANKEN