seattle arbitrons, doin' the hula for ratings: dori monson, kirby wilbur, john carlson, mike webb, mike siegel, carl jeffers, rabbi daniel lapin, bryan suits

Boyoboy, talk radio ratings are down across the board in Seattle and what to do? Local talkers have figured out some fanciful ways to perk up those sagging numbers...

Dori Monson (KIRO weekdaily, 12-3p) figures maybe he's down so low he needs to defy death to get the attention he needs--he's jumping out of an airplane on-air later this month.

(With his ratings, this may be a desperate cry for help. Someone who loves him needs to check that 'chute and make sure this isn't another talk radio-related celebrity suicide).

We hear Dori was thinking of jumping naked, (nude radio: a perennial ratings energizer!) but was outraged to learn FAA regs specifically ban nude talk show hosts in the public skies. The cranky libertarian nudist amateur basketball player will do it anyway in an act of civil disobedience to protest this big gov't intrusion in all our lives. This, despite rumors that Sound Transit recently purchased some shoulder-fired missiles.

In another move that could be considered pathetic, Dori recently introduced his dog, Star to his radio audience in a craven attempt to pick up conservative canine listeners, a heretofore untapped radio demographic thought to be fast-growing.

"He's hoping he can convince listeners he's the man his dog thinks he is," said Edgar "Choch" Manana, Republican media consultant. "At the moment, however, people just think he's a dick."

"Dogs are like Mexicans--they're natural conservatives," says Manana, who's both a Mexican and a conservative; "they have sharp teeth, a pack mentality, dedication to their masters, and traditional values."

We'd agree; adding that Republicans, like dogs, will also poop in the yard.

John Carlson (KVI weekdaily, 3-6p) is taking listeners on a well-publicized Extreme Makeover Cruise to Alaska in February, where moderate or liberal listeners can be "cleansed" or "spa away" their political differences with the talk host. It's not "brain washing," he insists, but rather a "brain scrub" using aroma therapy, electroshock, and pampering by giant be-dirndled Aryan women.

Carlson who wears a tie when he's in bed with his wife, now takes it off on-air or when riding his $30,000 Harley. It's his new manly, populist image honed to quash rampant rumors that he's a closeted hegemonist.

He's also giving away signed copies of the Anti-Road Repair Initiative to listeners who call in and guess the number of times in the previous hour Carlson used the term, "mainstream media" in reference to everybody but himself.
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Kirby "Curvy" Wilbur (KVI weekdaily 5-9a) is going on another public diet--something he hasn't done since that unfortunate accident a few years ago with the personal trainer. This time he'll be wearing a Gutter Helmet, (and so will she!) eating steaks from Ruth H. Christ's Steakhouse and styrofoam peanuts from Michael's. An avid nudist, the big guy considered doing the whole regime naked, but reconsidered after his staff threatened to jump out of a plane if he went through with it.

Erstwhile socialist, faux workin' man, and progressive union buster, Mike Webb's (KIRO weekdaily, 9p-1a) campaign, Tanning for the Homeless, which put so many street people in tanning beds before last year's beach season, was so successful that Mike says, "Poor folks are fun folks!"

Mike hopes to perk up his DOA evening monologue and oldies show with his Lexus-Liberal Ghetto Tours. Join him for festive parties with other luxury car owners in the grubbiest corners of Seattle's minority communities for "fun in the slums." There'll be hors d'oeuvres with a lavish cheeseball from Belltown's chi-chi Cheeze Whiz!, rosemary crackers from Essential Bakery and a perky little Merlot that, like Mike, is deceitful without being unassuming.

2nd Lt.Bryan Suits (KVI weekdaily 6-9p) is having a Let's Go Shoot Somebody Week, sponsored by the NRA, (not the NPR) and giving away BVD's, DVD's and RPG's to LICWATAM (Listeners Who Care What All These Acronyms Mean) who call in and give the best King County (KINGCO) exurban location for a fire fight (LOFOAF). The promo will have a BBQ at week's end to benefit STD's, and gun control RCW's with no teeth. After the party, participants, dressed in soldier suits and armed with SuperSoakers converted to fully automatic, will storm liberal Seattle neighborhoods for a little twilight shock and awe.
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KIRO's liberal Carl Jeffers (Sundays 10a-1p) will do a Shut-Up-A-Thon benefitting Radio For The Deaf. Listeners can buy tickets to see how long Carl can actually stay quiet. He hopes to do better than last year when he managed to pipe down for only 2.366 minutes before interrupting his guest and throwing up a dense 15-minute wall of words impenetrable by the unassisted human voice. Carl, who does his show from California and pretends to live in Seattle, says he has trouble hearing listeners trying to get back into the conversations he started with them. That's why he has a soft spot in his head for the hearing impaired, many of whom tell blatherWatch, they're glad he can't sign...
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Meaneocon Mike Siegel (KTTH weekdaily, 6-9a) who runs a hair trans-plantation on his own head when he's not trying to ruin what's left of state government, will continue his value-added promotional efforts that don't work that well bumping up the ratings, but always gets him more hair plugs; home improvements, or bad listener cruises where he doesn't have to buy the drinks. Most of these fall through for lack of interest, like his recent If-It's-Thursday-It-Must-Be-Hackensack Cruise, which, if anyone had signed up, would have, in just 10 days, visited every port in North America, Europe and the Caribbean including Siegel's ancestral Brooklyn home, and 3 hrs. in New York's legendary Plaza Hotel. 
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Rabbi Daniel Lapin (KTTH Sundays 7-10p) doesn't really need listeners, because his vanity radio show is bought and paid for by his wealthy charity, Toward Sedition. But Rabbi "Everybody Needs a Rabbi" Lapin has lots of important friends he'd like you to know. Like that silly but indicted Washington Lobbyist Jack Abramoff, (who needs more than a rabbi right now) the mean rapscallion Tom Delay, or the right Rev. Ken Hutcherson, the loveable Christian bigot who wants to take away your birthday. If you can listen to the Rabbi's show without going comatose, you'll get a chance to win dinner with Abramoff, Sunday morning with Hutcherson, or a cooking (as with the books) class from Tom Delay.

Comments

[murkytooth]

the best thing you've written in a long time.

[Political Pulpit]

Now that I managed to get past that extremely long list of museums and other things that had nothing to do with the topic, I forgot what I wanted to say...

Oh yeah, I remember again:

Are these Arbitron ratings based on the genre, (talk radio) or base all across the dial to include music?

[Fremont]

LOL, MH...A GENIUS WORK OF BLOG-ART! Maybe one of the museums listed supra, ad nauseam, could install a show of blog-art to enlighten the blog-less masses (with the proper lighting listed supra, asinus ad lyram, of course).
Hey, Kelly, why don't you check that out?

[Amused by liberals]

"wealthy charity"? They wish. They have almost no money at all, in fact are close to broke.
"Toward Sedition"? What's seditious about supporting the USA? Oh, yeah, it rhymes, so let's be malicious.
"Christian bigot"? He believes in the Bible and thus he's a bigot. Or I suppose Christians aren't bigots as long as they shut up about their beliefs and stay behind closed doors. Peace through censorship?

Man, are you an ignoramus, as well as a sanctimonious bastard.

[Eric t]

Hood or whoever you are, I would suggest sticking a tuning fork inside your ear and reprogramming your twisted mind. You are no match for sane individuals. Go ahead! Retort you retard! Nothing you say can rebuke anything a logical thoughtful individual has to say on the issues of the day. You hide behind the curtain of this irrelevant blog as you should, for you are a sadisticly deranged piece of liberal filth. Merry CHRISTmas. Eric

[chris]

June 23 -Nov 29 is a long stretch, Eric

[sparky]

Retort you Retard! hey that is catchy. I might borrow that ...

[robert faist]

Hilarious, Michael. These dudes, for the most part, are egomaniacal jerks without much education, who deserve everything you hit them with. keep up the fine work.
--robert