talkritique: talk radio's top 3 most narcissistic talk-jocks/seattle edition

We hate to say it, but the talk-consuming radio public loves self-obsessed, self-quoting, self-pleasuring blowhards and bragging narcissists whose idea of entertainment is the exquisite drilling down into their fascinatia with...themselves.

It’s the standard set by the most successful talk host of all time, Rush Limbaugh, who has made bloaty self-aggrandizement a family value (perhaps his only family value).

This is certainly the case of national, syndicated level talk jocks--read BlatherWatch’s authoritative talkritique: Talk Radio's Top 5 Most Narcissistic Talk-jocks/national edition.

We chronicled and ridiculed the likes of the Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Michael Savage and Sean Hannity, the self-congratulatory hot air bags any one of whom could have single handedly saved the Hindenburg on a cold day.

In Seattle, it’s different. We say we like personal modesty--it could be part of the Seattle Nice mythology. Or the influence of the repressed, reserved Scandinavian fisher folk who supposedly shaped our underwhelmed civic psyche.

(We’re sorry, but blatherWatch doesn’t buy that old chestnut, too many arrivistes--who, thank god, have been flocking in for decades--have changed the city into something quite different, better than it was in the days when Ivar Haglund, followed close behind by pickled herring were what passed for excitement around here).

We go for the occasional immodest, overdressed, large-talking big-head, coveting them as exotics, but then we cycle them out or they go back to California where braggadocio is a lifestyle or New York, where it’s a lifeskill.

As if to contradict BlatherWatch generalizations- Limbaugh, Hannity, etc., do very well in Seattle. But their success probably reflects our repressed penchant for guilty pleasures. If we were truly as nice as we pretend, we wouldn’t listen to talk radio at all. But when we’re alone in our cars feeling all libertarian and free-wheelin,’ our fingers will punch up any old body we damn well please, even if it’s a Republican, a crazed egomaniac or Thor Tolo (KGNW m-f, 4-6p).

(The truly free-wheelin’ listen to music turned up to nine. Wonky left-brain talk junkies comprise less than 15% of the total radio audience).

Making our Seattle narcissism awards was way harder than for the nationally syndicated bloviators, because our most successful locals use aw-shucks as a schtick and useful competitive strategy.

Take, for example, Kirby Wilbur (KVI m-f, 6-9a) the seriously deluded conservative at the top of the Seattle newstalk morning drive heap. He’s very partisan and sounds like Kermit the Frog; but he’s nice, darn it, and polite to everybody, and never confrontational with his guests. He’s like that neighbor who is a little nutty when it comes to politics, but you like him and you’d trust him to feed your dog when you’re on vacation.
   
John Carlson (KVI m-f, 3-6p) has an on-air personna like that of your favorite nephew, the one who wears a bow tie, and calls you ma’am or says yes sir. He’s also not afraid to invite guests who might disagree with him and debates them respectfully, (though he loves to gang up on them with the help of thuggish listeners). Carlson has an ego to match the Harley he rides, but like Wilbur, he creates community. This glues listeners to their shows and makes for a potent political tool for the Republican Party and their conservative causes.

KIRO’s Dave Ross (m-f, 3-6p) has built his considerable career as being even-tempered, rational, and self-effacing. Politicians will talk to him because they know he won’t be argumentative or dismissive. And though he’s moderate to liberal, he casts himself as an info-seeker frequently playing devil’s advocate to his own beliefs. No one else does that on local radio and his audience loves him for it.

(Don’t get us wrong, humility doesn’t guarantee talk radio success. You gotta be passionate or be able to churn up some heat one way or another. Note the sad case of the humble Tony Ventrella (KIRO m-f, 6-9) the long time TV sportscaster who let himself be talked into a radio gig by his friend, Dori Monson (KIRO m-f, 3-6p). Ventrella’s nice, but he’s timid. He steps on no toes, raises no ire, won’t step out of the box, much to the frustration of his producer. Audiences have responded accordingly--numbers go from a 3.7 share when Dave Ross leaves at 6 o’clock, to a 1.9, then on down to 1.6 before they give it up and send Ventrella  home).

Humility is not the criteria that guides talk radio audience listening habits. If it were, Limbaugh, Hannity, and Savage would be at the bottom of The Book instead of the top.

But verbalized ego is what blatherWatch hates most about a talk host. So we’ve made a list of the three of the worst local offenders.

Our criteria for judging these awards are based mostly on subjective judgments by our A&E staff and readers, but also on “I, Me, Myself “ (IMM) rating, which is the number of times a host uses the personal pronouns in one hour. The Maha Rushee, O’Reilly, or Hannity--these are world class egos--can top out at a 60+ IMM. Our locals, Mike Webb and Allen Prell, at the top of their game can do 40+; Bryan Suits can push over 50, but then again, his ratings are better than those others giving him the advantage of an Ebullience Boost (EBO). An EBO is an Unwarranted Overconfidence (UNWOCON) in a Gloat Matrix (GLOMA). If you’re not familiar with the EBO, think of George Bush’s speech the day after the election about “spending his capital.”

And the winners are:
1. Bryan Suits
The “Bad Lieutenant” of Seattle talk radio is not bad, like “evil,” but rather in the way that “boredom kills.” In that sense, Suits is a natural born serial killer. Talk radio listeners pay for Bryan’s service to his country not only with our tax dollars, but by having to listen to him and his interminable army jargon and endless Army acronyms in detailed war stories whose punch lines are  often a self-quotation. Bryan’s distinct advantage for competing for this award is his unique ability in 3 short hours, to 1) make a truly astounding number of references to himself; 2)references to those who have referred to him, and 3) sarcastic responses to those who responded to his sarcastic responses to those who have made references to himself. The wall of self-centered verbiage he erects daily and his neverendendending fascination with his own self image is approaching O’Reilly-ness.
~~
2. Allan Prell
We hate kicking someone when they’re down--especially a liberal in an important time slot. But in the interest of truth and service to our long time listeners, we just can’t help it.

And boyoboy is Allan Prell down! Some of KIRO’s best ratings (besides those of top-rated Lou Pate (1-5a) are for the Morning News (5-9a). But when Prell sits down in front of the microphone, the numbers drop like drawers on prom night.

And since he’s down, and since his schtick is to be annoying, he talks about himself in a self-criticizing, whining sort of way; daring listeners to love him and filling them in constantly why they shouldn’t. In the end, they don’t. He’s made a few converts,(and we hear from them!) but most of his predecessor’s (Dave Ross) fans flew long ago over to Air America’s Al Franken (AM1090 m-f, 9a-12p) or Steve Scher's Weekday (KUOW 94.9 fm 9a-12p). Allen Prell throws lot of topics at listeners, but too much of the time, the topic is Allen Prell.
~~
3. Mike Webb
Webb (KIRO m-f, 9p-1a) was once our flagship Seattle talk liberal, we knew this because he told us so. Back in the day, he’d get guests like Janeane Garofolo, whose Majority Report now competes with him from over at Air America, (AM 1090 m-f 10p-1a) Michael Moore, or Rep. Jim McDermott. The loquacious, self-congratulating Webb would deliver 2 minute lecture/questions, (ala Sean Hannity) for 20 second answers, successfully sopping up the airtime of guests we all wanted to hear speak. Webb’s arrogance and self-importance is coupled with unresolved resentments and an anger that makes listeners feel sorry for the conservative assholes he yells over and then hangs up on. He disdains and bullies callers if they disagree with him. He interrupts, mocks, and even plays blue grass music (slurring their suspected rurality) over their attempts at making their points. Webb’s numbers drop a full point when Garofalo and Seder come on at 10p. Then, sadly, Webb starts playing oldies as calls dwindle down to pissed-off drunks and 50-something women requesting disco tunes from the ‘70’s.
~~
Got any insider talk-radio poop to dish? Blab it at [email protected]. Discretion assured.

Comments

[KVI's Stud Boy Bryan]

As Sideshow Bob said in his signature falsetto,"Guilty...as charged."
The business is all about personality and ratings. If they hate me, I'm gone. Simple.

[KVI's Stud Boy Bryan]

Should I brainstorm for a new nom de Poste?
I just went with the first thing that, of course, came to mind.

[Michael]

Stay as you are Bryan, and thank you for your service.

[KVI's Stud Boy Bryan]

Last comment- You've GOT to recognize the extraordinary critical mass that was achieved when Webb and I(me, myself,Ich), teamed up for a two hour yakola at KIRO. Now THAT was a good show. Mike and Jeremy...am I right? Entercom really shit the bed with that decision.

[windie]

broken link to your 'top 5 national'

And hey, I remember loving the Suits/Webb thing! Well not clearly, but still!

[KVI's Humble Stud Boy]

I, I, I'm just overwhelmed! I don't know what to say. I need to thank John Hiefield for producing the darn thing every night. And of course Kris Olinger for giving me the shot in the first place( I didn't have to sleep with her, but I woulda!)
And of course, Jeremy Grater, Phil Vandervoort, Dori and Dave and the whole crew at Eastlake. And I gotta mention Paul Moyer! Paul was a big doofy brother who let me do sports talk! And boy could he HIT! Am I right?! Have another beverage ya nut! Right back atcha!
Also, I have to thank George Bush for a great career move. If you are a real right winger, well in my book you need to get your ass on the ground in the SHIT! I mean, what's better for my career in 2004? Sit in a studio and tell OTHER people to go get killed, or do it yourself?
Finally, I have to thank me for being me. I could take the easy way out and rip off an established host, but that doesn't last. And besides, I'm in the business to amuse myself anyway. So as I'm fond of saying "Bring on the acronyms and obscurata!"
I have to wrap it up, but once again, it's an honor just to be nominated.

[KVI's Humble Stud Boy]

If people don't start slamming me on this blog, I'm liable to think no one reads it.
Where are you Goldstein!? It's been, like, two hours.

[KVI's Humble night guy]

Heads up! Programming/narcissism alert! I have to talk about the Newsweek Qur'an thing tonight. I'll probably make a tangential reference to one or two personal experiences from my recent past.
However, I've never killed a car thief by choking, but I have an opinion.

[Gary Locke]

Tell the story about "Brush with Shatner!"
It's the funniest thing Mona's ever heard.

[sparky]

Hmm...I never listened to Suites on KIRo, and I still dont ( sorry stud boy) but how could you leave out Dorki Monson???? If there was anyone in love with the sound of his own voice, it would be the man whose Gutter Helment is on wayyyyy too tight...

[KVI's Sleepy Stud Boy]

Are you kidding? Dori's ego can fit in MY ego's little finger!
Need proof? How about this: it's 1105pm and I'm POSTING!!
In fact, I dispute the awarding of a second and third place. I suggest that I'm the winner, but the next places are 7th and 8th.

[Jeff Henderson]

I tend to disagree with you're assesment of Bryan being uninteresting. He is probably the funniest man on radio today. He talked about shopping carts for a full hour back in April and I couldn't stop laughing. His dry wit is brilliant.

I also remember a call from back when he was on KIRO. They were talking about this distractions in the car:

Caller: So I was driving in the car with my kids the other day. They were screaming. I told them to be quiet, but they just kept screaming and screaming. So finally I turned back
Bryan: Don't tell me the punchline to this story is "and there on the door handle was a bloody hook".

I don't know, it might just be me, but I think his off-the-cuff comments are funny.

[David]

Yes, Dori, the guy who said yesterday that he had never made a mistake to apologize for. At least give him an honorable mention!

[David]

Yes, Dori, the guy who said yesterday that he had never made a mistake to apologize for. At least give him an honorable mention!

[Marty]

Bryan is a good choice
however,
I think Doridoe should top the list

at least the studboy is funny some of the time.

Doridildo is not.

[KVI's Anxious Bryan]

Calling Scott! Calling Scott!
Come out and post!
Talk about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[MonaLeeLocke]

I don't get the thing about the bloody hook.... And, Gary, the funniest thing I ever heard was your karaoke rendition of "Yellow Submarine..."

MONA

[sparky]

Apparently nobody listens to Bryan on here either....hah

[KVI's disappointed night guy]

I gotta apologize, I've been flogging this blog with self-congratulatory puffery but it doesn't seem to be working.
Like a classic narcissist, I assumed this topic would've done better. I was wrong.
Michael, I hope this can be salvaged as a cautionary tale. I'll run it by April.

[Political Pulpit]

I think Dorie-doh should be on a list of his own.

[KVI's Piqued Night Guy]

I'll not brook such talk here! This is about me.

[Newell]

It is ironic that the liberal elitists, who participate in intellectual masterbation more frequently than is measurable, call conservative talk show hosts narcissistic. But that's what you do when you can't produce any ideas of measurable intelligence. You figure you feel more deeply than others and your very existance justifies your amorality. You don't love others, you just lover yourself loving others.

Newell

[AuthenticAndrew]

No, we don't do intellectual masterbation anymore. That was a 2005 thing. Easy mistake I know, coming from a conservative who's intellectual curiousity is immeasurably small.