Been There, Said That? Then Don’t Go There! IMMEDIATELY!

UN. BUH. Leave. UH. BULL

Rappers rap, actors opine. Computers, stuffed animals, TV’s, cook stoves, and car engines all now blabber away with great alacrity. Never in the history of personkind has the right to talk been so well exercised. Everybody talks, talks, talks--or VERBALIZES, as we say.

Radio fills our wretched daily consciousness with hot talk, jock talk, rock talk, doc talk or tech talk. There's dog talk and cat chat, sock talk and frock talk.

In the intimate facelessness of Internet chat rooms, you can prattle about skin diseases, Barbies, civil disobedience, incontinence, moral uncertainty, sexual proclivities, bass fishing, and vegetarian casseroles. Lesbians may speak as middle-aged men, and more likely, middle-aged men will speak as lesbians.

TV never stops blabbing. Oprah bares her airwaves to psycho-babblers, and Jerry Springer to babbling psychos. Dr. Phil, when he's not going on about himself, begs his segmentary patients to talk, talk, talk.  Heads on cable TV bloviate, posit, infer, harangue, and declaim 24/7.

TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN means all day, everyday and using that tiresome code brings me to my point. You'd think that with this new license to talk, we'd gain eloquence instead wallowing around in pop clichés, buzzwords and repetitive jokes.

BUT NOOOOO.

We are the most ECLECTIC people ON THE PLANET and even though BASICALLY, we may not like HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, do you ever wonder why BASICALLY 200 words make up 90% of our conversation? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

We're CHALLENGED by verbal demons that repeat on you like a cheap burrito.

On talk radio, everyone wants to TAKE BACK THE GOVERNMENT--even the politicians who already have it. I say, let's SEND THEM A MESSAGE, by god, and hope no one SHOOTS THE MESSENGER.

Let's HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE and put their FEET TO THE FIRE. If they don't like it, we'll VOTE WITH OUR FEET, providing we're not on a SLIPPERY SLOPE.

Let’s round up all that SMOKE, those MIRRORS, those BELLS AND WHISTLES; and BASICALLY pile them onto a LEVEL PLAYING FIELD and AT THE END OF THE DAY, blow them up, once and for all.

And as the whole mess blows to into smithereens, let’s shriek ABSOLUTELY! and EXACTLY! for the very last time, banishing those words from THE PLANET forever.

HELLO? Can’t we just fix the economy instead of trying to JUMP START it? (The image of a monumental tow truck pulling up alongside the state with a huge jumper cable strains my patience as well as my imagination).

Talk radio is always talking about AVOWED LESBIANS. Where do they go to take their vow?  And why are gay men always ADMITTED HOMOSEXUALS? Is there a Gay Admitting Office OUT THERE?  It may be the same place lesbians go to take their oath, but I suspect this avowing and admitting fills the space left by those admitted and avowed communists the right-wingers tried to scare us with in the last century.

And EXCUSE ME? Where the hell is OUT THERE anyway? Outer space? Alaska? Please DON'T GO THERE! I beg you.

BOTTOM LINE: What does everyone want in America, today? WELL,DUH!…it's CLOSURE, of course, (not to be confused with foreclosure) or SYNERGY, which I thought was a washday detergent instead of a woo-woo way of just saying "coincidence."

I'd need SYNERGY with a NUMBERS CRUNCHER if you asked me to DO THE NUMBERS, since math-wise, I don't ROCK, I don't RULE--I SUCK! But please don’t DISS me, I just need to be INCENTIVIZED.
Besides, I HAVE ENOUGH ON MY PLATE.

My dictionary’s four years old, that’s why the alleged word, PROACTIVE is not in it, so you’ll pardon me if I choose to remain ignorant of its alleged meaning. Hearing it makes me contemplate verbicide--especially when my city councilman uses it three times in one sentence!

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???

Pardon me while I FOCUS, here and let’s STRATEGIZE on how to snatch VISION away from the politicians and give it back to the optometrists. TRUST ME--blind justice would be better served, it’s a NO-BRAINER.

WHAT PART OF boring DON'T THEY GET?

I’M JUST SAYING, Let's give PROPS where PROPS are due—on boats and airplanes!

Nothing is ROCKET SCIENCE anymore --it seems to have disappeared completely. It doesn’t take a ROCKET SCIENTIST to do anything--they must be unemployed by thousands.

WHO KNEW????

Now, HAVING SAID THAT and then having said “HAVING SAID THAT,” I'm reflecting on why I have said, “HAVING SAID THAT” when it must be perfectly obvious to anyone within earshot that I have just said that!

I’m in the dentist's chair. OUCH!
The assistant tells me to breathe. I breathe.
“GOOD JOB!” she says.
I feel like a kindergartner who just got a cookie. Just to spite her perky self, but I stop breathing.
“I’m not COMFORTABLE with that, Mr. Hood...”
She's uncomfortable? Who cares? I’m the one in the dentist’s chair—just shut up and turn up the nitrous, BEEAHTCH!.

Here's some DIALOGING for the '00's:
She: “WHAT’S UP WITH genocide? ARE YOU OK WITH THAT? 
He: "Genocide is CHALLENGING, but no, I'M NOT DOWN WITH IT, but the genocide community HAS A RIGHT TO ITS OPINION...

We're a strong people. We survived Ricky Martin, 9/11, HAVE A NICE DAY and its evil grandchild, HAVE A NICE REST OF THE DAY.

We had to BITE THE BULLET and dodge LOOSE CANNONS, and eventually we stopped wondering WHERE’S THE BEEF? and ARE WE HAVING FUN, YET?

Things aren’t quite as AWESOME as they once were; and we’ve finally said no to JUST SAY NO. But AT THE END OF THE DAY; we need to stand up as a people, get ON THE SAME PAGE, and give a strong, united, WHATEVER!

I ask you, HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?

Comments

[salt]

Thanks for this, it made me laugh, this morning- especially for "dont go there"- which makes me want to scream every time I hear it. Can't peeples talk without cliches?

[Fremont]

Dopin, Dude!*

* trans: Brilliant, hilarious commentary, worthy of the "NYTimes" or, equivocally, "Newsweek"!

[sparky]

You seem to be having a Zippy the Pinhead moment....

( I want a DIVORCE! You're not CLINT eastwood!)

[Ding]

I had thought I read somewhere that the author of this blog was a writer.

Obviously, I was wrong.

[bluesky]

This is, ARGUABLY, not quite the most complete run-down to the run-up of vacuous jargon. But it is a good start GOING FOREWARD. Feh.

[Rollup Gridd]

AS PER the GERMANESS and how closely it INTERFACES with the BOTTOM LINE educationally SPEAKING regarding......

Thanks Michael, GREAT article.

Wake-up Ding-go, Fremont's got it ON THE NUMBERS - a superb piece - I vote for the New Yorker.