talkritique: talk radio's Top 5 most narcissistic talk-jocks/national edition

“Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.” -Frank William Leahy

I judge talk-radio talent by how much they talk about themselves. The more of my precious time that's taken up by a host's self-analysis, self-quotation, self-promotion, self-abuse or just plain old bragging; the more likely my Subconscious Censorial Finger will do the walking around the am dial punching buttons until it lands someplace where first person pronouns are scarcer.

(If you asked: if your time is so precious, why do you listen to talk radio? I'd say...touche.)

Vanity, obviously, is not death in the Wally World of talk-talk. My critieria is not shared by audiences--otherwise Limbaugh, Hannity, and Savage would be at the bottom of The Book instead of the top. O' Reilly is relatively new to radio but has made a steady climb and rules the few 100,000 or so who watch cable news at any one time.

It's dreary, but it seems the talk-consuming public adores braggarts and self-aggrandizing bloviators.

~~
1. BILL O'REILLY "What say me?"

Paranoids are the most self-centered of any neurotic or psychotic persuasion. And O'Reilly is talk radio's most paranoid personality. He spends lots of time blarting about how victimized he is by academia nuts, the pinheads of the radical left; and the swells of the establishment media. They'll stop at nothing, he says, to bring him down--they short-sheet him, give him wedgies, smear him, snub him and never invite him to their fancy parties--all because He Tells the Truth and They Can't Handle the Truth. All right?

He doesn't wanna go to their stupid old parties anyway. Got that?

But even Republicans get out the 10-foot pole if O'Reilly's name comes up when they're tweaking the invites to their fancy soirees. He wasn't invited to the Inauguration, not because the White House can't handle his "truth." Not because he's blue collar and they're a bunch of fancy-pants elites. Not because he didn't do everything he could to re-elect the President.

No.

It's because of last Fall's revelations that the moral crusader's No-Spin Zone is not necessarily a No-Sin Zone. His creepy hypocritical harassment of a subordinate cost him millions to make go away. It was most certainly about his hilarious attempt at phone sex, the script of which still lives at Smoking Gun.com. Even Republicans give better phone sex, and few of them would confuse a loofah with falafel.

He recently threatened Canada with the Terrible Swift Sword of another of his embargoes that he claims has singlehandedly devastated the French economy. It wasn't an embargo at all but rather, a boycott of French imports by folks who never bought them in the first place and wouldn't know a chateauneuf du pape from la plume de ma tante.

That is spin.  S-P-I-N.  Everybody got it?"
~~

2. MICHAEL SAVAGE "Enough about you, awready."

You'd think the suns of Titan circle around Savage's shock-valued tirades on everything from illegal aliens, arcane philosophers, lawyers, perverts, herbal remedies, traitors, and Chinese food. The finer points of the consequences of his gustatory peccadilloes are vividly described as they slide along his alimentary canal, and are up, disturbingly, for fair comment on his syndicated weekdaily kulturkampf.

Savage opines angrily and ceaselessly, but even more, he analyzes his own motives, uniqueness, his unplumbable intellectual depths and the devastation his views wreak upon academia, government and American pop culture, and the internationalist New World Order. The lumpen listening audience will never, unfortunately, be able to totally grasp what he says, but they (even the scum and the rats and the worms) are drawn to him and his superior intellect. He's right about that, his bomb-throwing afternoon drive out of San Francisco is rated in the nation's top 5.
~~
 
3. RUSH LIMBAUGH "With half of my sincerity tied behind my back..."

Big Pants' schtick is his own self. It's worked well--he invented the modern am talk genre and has been number one almost since he started. Widely imitated, he speaks with shameless braggadocio, haughty tones, big words, small-town smarm and none of the inconvenience of having to check his facts. Program directors have only recently begun to shake off the notion that only conservatives Who Talk Like He Talks can survive.

Limbaugh's loyal see-no-evil listenership forgives his moral lapses (drug addiction, 3 divorces) and lets him pontificate hypocritically about decency and values and brag about his personal power. He takes only callers who gush flatteringly or who are so obviously lame or wacked-out that he and his conservative views seem mainstream.
 
~~
4. SEAN HANNITY  "I gotta be honest."

We all suffer because on TV, Hannity looks like a choir boy. His freckled cheeks and tiny Irish lips send certain women into the paroxysms of fuck-him/nurture him fugues. One key to his great radio ratings (#2 after Rush and gaining fast) is that he's busted women into the historically male audience. The latest unscientific Talker's Magazine poll puts male listeners at 54% to women's 46%--up 10 points since 2000 and Hannity has had a lot to do with it. Carefully chosen by Fox News to sit aside Hannity is Alan Colmes, who looks reptilian while Hannity's blow-dried demeanor exudes clean, guilt-free Catholic safe sex.   

With this very much in mind, he subjects us--males and all--to his preening, self-serving sincerity, repetitious self-quotations, and his self-righteous moralistic kanoodling over kinder, kitsch and kuchen--not to mention that maddening but carefully programmed curl that falls down the middle of his forehead.

Hannity, like Limbaugh, and O'Reilly has ridden to victory that three-legged horse of media marketing--cable TV show, a book, and a talk radio show producing a perfect storm of incestuous cross-marketing.
~~

5. AL FRANKEN "It's the Al Franken Decade."

They'll say it's my liberal double standard, but I love Al Franken. He's making good radio despite that he talks a good deal about himself. The difference between him and Hannity, O'Reilly, et al, is: he's funny, he has talent, as he often reminds listeners. He's made his living as a generation's comedy writer and comedian.
Because I usually agree with him, his lack of humility may be easier forgive--it's like forgiving Mohammad Ali who once said, "If I say a cow can lay an egg, don't argue with me. Get the skillet."

Comments

[sam]

I'd fuck Sean Hannity if I didn't have to talk to him.

[rod]

I understand if you feel compelled to add a liberal to your list for the sake of Fairness and Balance, but I question your choice of Al Franken. Yeah, he's a narcissist (although I must point out that the Al Franken Decade ended some five years ago), but he is also smart and funny.

Randi Rhodes, on the other hand, just sucks. And yet, in spite of her obvious shortcomings, she talks about herself - her working-class background, her tireless pursuit of the truth (which she nevertheless mangles on a daily basis), etc. - a lot.