BlatherWatch

Liberals' guide to the GOP presidential candidates

As you know, we don't like Republicans, and don't ever want any one of them to be elected to any office ever again.

Having said that (and having said, "having said that") we must also confess that we like every Democrat running for president this year. But this crop of GOP haircuts and power ties is the least inspiring group we've ever seen trying to play on a national political stage. Turd blossoms come to mind, as do monkeys and footballs. So today we present our picks for the GOP nomination- starting with the guy (they're all guys, naturellement) we'd like to see at the top of the ticket, and descending to the candidate we're most afraid of.

1. Ron Paul
He's our all. Run, Ron, run! His impressive gravitas deficit and his geezerly, turkey-neck demeanor give him the edge over all the other be-white shirted losers that dot the Republican field like so many cowpats. It's true that a run by the homuncular Ron would be priceless for the late night talk shows, but we Americans gotta quit electing presidents just for that! We must remember that behind that ill-fitting collar is a guy who believes the New World Order with the help of Jewish neoconservatives are working secretly to turn our sovereignty over to Canada and the Mexicans.

2. Tom Tancreado
He sounds like a cartoon because he is one. He's a one-issue candidate and boy is he pissed! Unfortunately, (for us and for him) Americans don't like angry candidates, and this scare-mongering honyock with his squirrel gun loaded for Mexican can't hurt anybody. But he sure stirs up the Latinos against the Republicans- not that they aren't stirred up against them already . Come on people, nominate this goofball!

Fred Thompson: a radio platform for free

Why should Fred Thompson announce his candidacy for president?

Without it, he can bask in being whomever, whatever, anyone projects on him. Even though he's working hard at a campaign, he's doing great in the polls, "exploratorying" his ass off and getting free radio airtime at the same time!

(He signed on with ABC News Radio in 2006 to serve as senior political analyst and fill-in for Paul Harvey, where he's used the national platform to articulate his political positions. Earlier this month he was released from the analyst part of his contract).

And boy do the Republicans have expectations of Thompson, 65, the white-hatted stranger to ride in and save them from Tainted Rudy, and Mitt The Mormon. There's already been a McCain Mutiny, and such whodats as Mike Huckabee, Sam Brownback and Tom "Two-headed" Tancredo are but figments of their own imaginations.