He thanked his speech writers, Herman Cain, Todd Palin and his thousands of supporters, including Sheldon Adelman...in that order. Calista received his thanks after he thanked her mother for watching all the debates and campain ads on television.
He went on to assure the American public he was not giving up his citizenship, something he has had since 1958. (No, we are not making this up.) Then he announced that al Qaeda is in Yemen and hoped that the White House would get the memo about that soon.
As Newt once again launched into his "Moon initiative" talk, Marvin the Martian was heard to heave a sigh of relief that Mars, as of yet, is not in those plans. After several minutes of sharing his thanks and outlining all those policies he will never get to implement, Newt finally announced he was throwing in the towel.
Rumors are swirling on and off The Hill that Romney will assume Newt's substantial campaign debt, in return for a hearty endorsement for his own campaign. While Gingrish didn't come right out in today's speech and endorse Romney, he hinted around enough that he will do it, that Shepard Smith at Fox News stopped in the middle of his reporting to share a few personal thoughts on this development.
School janitors everywhere are weeping tonight.