Being sicilian

RAGUSA — I'm trying to convert to "real Siciliano," as most travelers to Sicily do; to blend into the human surroundings so as to not attract more mockery from the natives or seem gullibly available to their attempts to sell me something.

(photo: Alessandro & me)

I'm doing pretty good job of it, if I don't say so mice elf.

Many Sicilians mistake me for a young Sicilian guy when actually, I'm just the opposite of a young Sicilian guy. (What is the opposite of a young Sicilian man, you ask? an 'Old Irish woman' would be fair, except... I am nothing, if not male).

(photo: young Sicilian man)

How did I accomplish this transformation so totally? It's no accident: Partially, it's the cut of my jib, the black t-shirt, the swagger and the way I toss back the espresso dopio I aIways order in perfect Sicilian. 

But also: I've got a weapon.

Yes, I bought a switch-blade from a greasy Ionian with a table full of cheap battery-operated gadgets on the street in Palermo. It cost 6 Euros and has a very sharp point; the blade, sneering like a shark's permanent smile, is sharp enough to slice perfect scallops from a top round of veal or separate the lips from a man. It has a blade lock, real wooden handles screwed-into the frame, and a circular trigger-grip in case the fight gets bloody and I need something extra to hold onto in the slippery gore. There's a teeny flashlight for peering, presumably, into my victim's retinas to see if he's dead.

Like my other penis, it's of legal length, and made in the US of A. I could kill a man with it once I've perfected the techniques of Close Quarter Combat Knife Defense I'm learning from the Youtube in the odd hours after the stultifying, nightly trudge though the antipasti, primi, segundi and contorno.

(photo: old Irish woman)

There is a rule in the world: never pull a knife on a Sicilian... I know this rule. I heed this rule. I know my place in the order here- I'm just a young Italian guy who wants to make a difference. So while I'm learning the ropes of being a killer, I use Alessandro (did I mention my knife's name is Alessandro?) in situations- not where violence is called for- but when the assurance of security of those around me- women and children- is needed.

At the bus station, I'll pull out an orange, then up comes Alessandro ... and Switch! Brandishing my flashing blade, I'll cut a perfect slit at the top of the orange to enable easy peeling and release the profumo of the peel. This show of force is just enough to put the women around me at ease.

That a young but righteous Sicilian man- even a fake, righteous Sicilian man- is near with the hardware to protect them lowers street tensions immediately.  Actually, they know I'm a touristing idiot-child whose Italian is limited to ordering coffee, but now they also know what I've got in my pants. They grok a sudden new aura of safety and respect.

For me and Alessandro, it's a matter of being, not doing. Very Buddhist.

Since I've never seen one iota of violence on the streets of Palermo, Catania, or Ragusa, I know I'm doing some good here.

The Mafia knows who I am, BTW, and that I am here. But they're smart enough not to bother me- especially as I buy the pistaccio pesto in the pretty bottles with the rustic fabrics on the tops made by producers they've leaned-on and sold in stores they "protect."

In a way, we're in this together- me and the Mafia- I protect the womenfolk and the children, they the citizens who pay them. It's mutual respect. Like Tony Soprano and Carmine Lupertazzi. Or the Cold War's Mutually Assured Destruction. It's a good way to live on this island, the only way to live on this island.

Owning a switchblade is a dream of mine since 6th grade. In those days they were entirely illegal and had to be imported from Tijuana. Only a few older boyz (most now in prison) had or were rumored to have them. I never got one, but I have one now! And I may be a little taller now... and stronger, too.

Learning defense from the Internet videos is going slower than I'd hoped. I'll just say this: pillows have died. (One rather spectacularly in a full-feathered drama involving some very good pomegranate syrup and a full tube of Astroglide. Don't ask ...).

Meanwhile, I order the cheese plate center stage in a busy trattoria in Ragusa. The apple needs slicing. A ripe pear could be brought down a peg or two. There's the wimpy house knife. I dismiss it with a Sicilian sneer. Every eye in the place is on me as I rustle in my hand-tooled, Perugian leather man-purse; Allesandro comes out, and Switch! Alessandro has his bite, and the room sighs in relief as the apple and pear lay gasping and bleeding on their little board.

We're safe, the Sicilian innocents seated around me are saying, I can read it in their eyes. Old men lean back into their cannolis; young boys stare up at me with stark respect and adoration. Belle ragazze with their tight rhinestone-studded jeans and stunning little tops dare not look up; their eyes shyly stay on their iPhones over which their nubile fingers are texting the good news: We're OK, here, now.

I've always wanted to be one of the good guys, but too cheap to buy a gun. A 6-Euro street purchase has made a man out of me and brought safety and peace to Sicily.

Ciao, caio! ...for now.

Comments

[Puget Sound Blathers]

Great story, Blam. Very funny. Glad the trip is going well.

I'm surprised that you didn't work in a Charlton Heston reference!

[Progblogjunky]

Hmmmm, nice story but, why did you give your knife a boys name? I would keep that a secret over there if i were you Mr. Hood. It might get you few odd looks, if not a few mothers crazy stares while huddling thier little boys a little closer as you walk by.

[Pete]

The knife makes its bearer a little taller?

Don't tell Dori.

[eli l.]

I can't believe you think anyone would be afraid of you, Hood, even with a weapon. The Mafia couldn't care less about you. This is just another example of a lie a liberal thinks he can tell and get away with. Let's have some real stories about your trip, if you are capable of the truth.

[Another old irish woman]

I'm glad he didn't. I don't want to know about Chesty Hesty's penis.

[KS]

Entertaining ditty, but do you think the mafia there would stand up against the mafia in Chicago ?

Speaking of Charlton Heston - Saw Bowling for Columbine - happened to venture on it by accident last night. It was fun deconstructing Michael Moore's strawmen arguments against corporations - where he is clearly a capitalist pig or gun control where he was out to smudge the NRA and "Moses' Heston which he accomplished to an extent through his camera lens and Lockheed as an evil corporation. There were some good things embedded such as his interviews who exposed unbeknowing people for who they are in Michigan and in Canada. All in all, I would have given it 2-1/2 stars - realistic and loaded with Moore's false-positives.

[KS]

To put Bowling for Columbine in perspective, I would have rated it better than "An Inconvenient Truth".

[Puget Sound Blathers]

Michael Moore 'jumped the shark' after his TV show went off the air back in the mid 90's.

When they pry this shiv out of Blam's cold hands should be the line ala Chuck Heston.

[Johnny Sombrerro]

The best part of Midway was when Heston crashed his plane. An otherwise great movie ruined by one of Heston's fake characters.

[KS]

Heston was clearly a boogeyman for the leftists, but he's in the RIP mode now has been there for a few years. Johnny S. needs to fast forward to 2011.

When they pry this shiv out of Blam's cold hands should be the line ala Chuck Heston.

Posted by: Puget Sound Blathers | November 27, 2011 at 04:47 PM

Spot on...

[sparky]

KS, Moore is a proud gun owner and is a supporter of the 2nd Amendment. He, and a lot of us, thought it was beyond shitty to hold an NRA rally near Columbine at the time he did. The parents of the dead students agreed as well. Did you fast forward through that part of the movie??

Bla'M I DO expect you will pack that sharp pointy thing IN your checked baggage...or else Airport Security will be shining lights in places that have never been seen by man or wimmins.

[Fremont]

Yeah, Sparkles, there are places and times when Alessandro must NOT be exposed...be cautious, Bla'M!

[KS]

Check your facts, Sparky.
I seriously doubt Moore really supports the 2nd amendment - for one red flag he's a commie sympathizer re: single payer healthcare. The movie was filmed about 10 years ago. If you believe everything the sanctimonious Michael Moore says, you are indeed gullible and choose to bury your head in the sand.

The only part I agree with is that the timing for the NRA conventions was poor in Colorado (difficult to reschedule after the advent of Colombine) though - if he really liked the 2nd amendment, seems as though he has jumped the shark and would not have gone out of his way to punk the NRA. The NRA convention in Michigan may have been able to be rescheduled though as there was enough lead time - the NRA has also jumped the shark.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

[sparky]

Ok I have to print that...

[KS]

Print what ? He has zero cred, similar to a certain leader, whatever they say is flatulent and politically motivated.

[Chucks]

When you get home Michael, just strap on a Colt Python .357. It is a very uncomplicated weapon. Screw the knife. The blade is too messy and dangerous to need while in such close contact with the scum that has put you and perhaps your loved ones at risk in the first place.
Shoot 'em and boot 'em to the side.