As you know, we don't like Republicans, and don't ever want any one of them to be elected to any office ever again.
Having said that (and having said, "having said that") we must also confess that we like every Democrat running for president this year. But this crop of GOP haircuts and power ties is the least inspiring group we've ever seen trying to play on a national political stage. Turd blossoms come to mind, as do monkeys and footballs. So today we present our picks for the GOP nomination- starting with the guy (they're all guys, naturellement) we'd like to see at the top of the ticket, and descending to the candidate we're most afraid of.
1. Ron Paul
He's our all. Run, Ron, run! His impressive gravitas deficit and his geezerly, turkey-neck demeanor give him the edge over all the other be-white shirted losers that dot the Republican field like so many cowpats. It's true that a run by the homuncular Ron would be priceless for the late night talk shows, but we Americans gotta quit electing presidents just for that! We must remember that behind that ill-fitting collar is a guy who believes the New World Order with the help of Jewish neoconservatives are working secretly to turn our sovereignty over to Canada and the Mexicans.
2. Tom Tancreado
He sounds like a cartoon because he is one. He's a one-issue candidate and boy is he pissed! Unfortunately, (for us and for him) Americans don't like angry candidates, and this scare-mongering honyock with his squirrel gun loaded for Mexican can't hurt anybody. But he sure stirs up the Latinos against the Republicans- not that they aren't stirred up against them already . Come on people, nominate this goofball!
3. Rudy Giuliani
Evangelicals would admit to coveting Michael Jackson's buttocks before they'd than vote for this guy. And it's more than just because his name sounds like something Tony Soprano might order at Artie Bucco's (although that probably plays a part). First of all, the pop-eyed mayor is as liberal as we are on abortion, gays and guns- that alone is a deal breaker for the born-agains- but wait, there's more! This guy's got more baggage than Bergman's. Where to start is the problem: the taxpayer-supported ass-ignations with someone other than his wife? His cavorting with Qatari terror-masters? The recommendation of penitentiary-bound buddy Bernie Kerik as a cabinet level director of the largest agency of the federal government? If all of this doesn't shake the very fundamentalist soul of the GOP- how about his much video-ed propensity for wearing women's clothes and letting Donald Trump noozle his ersatz nipples?
4. Mitt Romney
This guy has taken the fact that he's not Giuliani, added $12 million of his own money and made himself into a front runner. He's so slippery, it's a wonder he could stay in bed long enough to sire all those kids. He made the finest speech money could buy last week to convince the evangelicals that he was the same as them, but, of course, they weren't buying it. That's because he's unforgivably a Mormon, not a Christian, and orthodox Christians believe that any religion that makes any claims on God and doesn't precisely follow their read on the New Testement is Satanic. Mormons have all manner of goofy beliefs that are different than the goofy beliefs of the evangelicals, but that's only part of the problem. Romney was the governor of Massachusetts, the most liberal state in the country, and to get elected, he had to slither to the left: first he was pro-choice and friendly to gay rights; then he had a sudden revelation- something like the one that his LDS church had in 1976 letting in the Negroes. Now he's profoundly pro-life, and for "the protection of traditional marriage" (read anti-fag). These flip-flops won't pack it with the Christian base who have been bamboozled many times before by more credible Republican liars than the handsome Mitt.
(The GOP's pandering to the religious right has come back to bite them: two top-tier candidates, (Romney and Giuliani) both capable and probably electable, have been essentially neutralized because they fail the religion-based social issue litmus tests that trump, for these people, the real problems facing the next president).
5. Fred Thompson
If this man were elected, we'd have to give up the teevee. Besides the annoying lizard-like way he works his lips and tongue, he's the most soporific droner since Hoobert Herver. He slowly erects a wall of verbiage around any question he's asked and keeps building it until the questioner forgets what they were talking about. He should be left to his favorite pastimes: making money, and taking naps. Besides, as a First Lady, Jeri Thompson will never make it- as any Republican woman knows, anyone with breasts that large must be a slut. (and that goes for Giuliani's decolletage as well).
5. John McCain
The right wing of the GOP isn't smart enough to nominate McCain. He could win- he's sufficiently conservative, and he attracts moderates- even some libs like him. God knows why- he's more right-wing than Joe Lieberman. But the conservatives and the evangelicals got turned off to him long ago and they're not known for letting go of grudges. We're glad, we think he'd be hard to beat, if they ever nominated him.
6. Mike Huck-a-Bee
Once the Great White Whale, now he's the Great White Hope. Huck-a-Bee lost a hundred pounds to run for prez, and now he's the flavor of the month- we hope. (ever wonder what happened to all his extra skin?) We've put him into this position of dead last which means that we, for lefty partisan reasons, want him least to be nominated. Despite his roughness, he scares us. His preacherly communications skills, scary sense of humor, and underdoggedness could spell trouble. (maybe he's comfortable in his own skin because he's got so much more of it...) But remember those who knew nobody and came from nowhere to be president: Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton come to mind. They were losers, too but they got elected. We're hoping he'll get nipped in the bud like Howard Dean. Let's hope tough guy Rudy, or rich guy Mitt can dispatch him with some dirty tricks in the next few states.