~RUSH LIMBAUGH CONTINUED TO GIFT BLATHERWATCH with his noxious exudations both ideological and intestinal. In 2005, his public flatus made headlines as friends made hard left turns, lovers became downwinders, and employees turned up their noses. But in 2006, the tabloids reported that Big Pants had found a support group and a line of flame-retardant flatulence odor products.
MORE BLATHERFODDER BY THE FLATULENT FULMINATOR: in April, Big Pants was arrested after his celebrity lawyer got him the deal of a lifetime for the charges against him for illegally attaining prescription drugs. He was taken into custody, booked, a happy-face mugshot á la Tom Delay was taken before being released after bailing himself out with $3000. This at 4p on a Friday afternoon when the media ebb is at its lowest and least-read. Always more libertine than libertarian, the blabber magnate was detained again in June, in the Palm Beach Airport coming in from the Dominican Republic with a bottle of Viagra without a prescription. We never really thought he'd done much wrong, but it was hilarious see his sexuality or lack thereof so widely publicized. The Third World country is known for sex tourism; a great place for fat guys to get laid; and he took along a drug for erectile dysfunction. We can't be too judgmental about a little Caribbean chuffing- big fat idiots get to have sex, too. But hell, that's what you'd expect us to think-we're liberals! tBut this "boys weekend" as Rush called it, flies in the face of fundamentalist biblical morality that defines sex a sin if it's not in the marital bed. We wonder what Big Pants' cohorts in the "values-community" such as Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schlafly, and Rev. Ken Hutcherson think about his pre-marital chuff-chuff? Cable news reported that according to the Customs declaration, Rush had 30 Viagras going down, and only 29 nine coming home- that ain't much of a sex weekend.
~PAT O'DAY was the Chairman of the Board, the Grand Poobah, the Top Dog, the Big Kahuna of Seattle rock radio and Pacific Northwest rock & roll business for decades. Now retired in Friday Harbor, he's a wealthy man; hopelessly Republican, a spokesman for Schick-Schadel Hospital, and ... a BlatherWatch fan. (Ol' Blathe, he calls us). We got Pat to write a two-part piece, here and here on the state of Seattle talk radio- he wasn't amused.
THE DORI MONSON OPEN. In March, we asked our readers to send us love notes or hate mail about Dori Monson (KIRO m-f, 11-4p) since we weren't up to actually listening to him long enough to give him an honest assessment. Boy did we get an earful! It was woefully short of love notes- though we published everything we got...
PERNICIOUS MOMENTS, 2006: DORI AND ANN COULTER- he most outrageous thing about Dori's "interview" of the sharp-elbowed Connecticut harpy with the toothed and leathery nether parts was a story he told as he was prostrating before her. He said his 16-year-old daughter had been offered extra-credit in a science class if they went to Gore's movie on global warming, An Inconvenient Truth. She and her mother didn't see the movie, he said, but instead went to the theater, bought a ticket so the teen could lie to the teacher, and get the credit. Dori said they bought her the ticket to "take advantage of the system, but not make our daughter sit through two hours of tedium like that." Buying that ticket is what conservatives might call, "investing in education;" but liberals would call it cheating. Dori's daughter complained, Dori denied the story in later broadcasts; and readers flooded our comment strings and Dori's mailbox.
WE ASK THE QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS: such as, Frank Shiers: why?
HONORARY WASP, 2006: Dan Sytman says he's Jewish, but wouldn't he make a great W.A.S.P.?
R.I.P. 2006: Some notables and some merely annoying left Seattle radio this year, all to be
celebrated in a Blathering blaze of glory. In January, KIRO closed down the fizzled-out and, sadly liberal Erin Hart Show after a seven year run. Erin does fill-ins in Denver, we hear, and has gone back to school. Also in January, Mercer Island's Rabbi Daniel Lapin, the right-wing's house Hebre sullied by revelations deep involvement in the Jack Abramoff influence peddling, money laundering scandal, called it quits on Seattle's KTTH. He began on Sunday afternoon's San Francisco's KSFO, where he works for infamous former KIRO PD Ken "I Lost the Mariners but found God" Berry. In February, longtime overnighter Lou Pate gave up trying to be promoted to a spot in a reasonable hour; and told KIRO to take this job and... well, give it to somebody else. He moved on to Miami and does national fill-in work. Just as he always predicted, Pate proved to be irreplaceable- KIRO never filled his shoes- the overnight was given on a permanent temporary basis to the peripatetic, off-kilter, know-it-all Bryan Styble, who was fired in October and replaced by The Midnight Trucking Radio Network, an all-night infomercial for trucking products by a couple ex-truckers whom no one listened to. They're being replaced in January with Dave Ross re-runs; effectively ending an historic run by the heritage KIRO of live and local radio. May1st. Actor John Procaccino left after months of filling-in and the KIRO 9 ta noon, Bob Van Dyne, whose mom called him Coco, and was otherwise known as DJ NoBrain on a local rocker was KIRO's great white hope for the 9-midnight, but he quit KIRO to go back to The End, where he is presumably cherished.
BEST OF ODDEMS
"Oddems," a feature than gives us license to put lots of dubious information into bitchy bits. The word we stole from Herb Caen, late of the SF Chronicle- it's 3-dot journalism without the dots (and some would argue, without the journalism.)
~Always self-obsessed, we've focused dysfunctionally on phrases that when stuck into a search engine would bring up BlatherWatch (but a tiny nibble of the Extra Value Meal that is our narcissism). Honestly, we can't help it if you google "listening to women poop" and get BlatherWatch. And as far as what you might dredge up if you search "oldman incest reality?" we know nothing. More search "fun" phrases that we noted over the year were not exactly flattering: like "freaky diaper sex?" and "pictures of middle schoolers getting bullied with wedgies." If you google "I am from a Gothic Novel, I am electrifying, What an experiment!," (as so many do) what do you get? Well, BlatherWatch, of course. Peculiar is how we feel about putting "breast implant slow leak pain sagging" in the little window, which also brings us to the fore... and please don't mention this to Mom- "naked girl biting boy choch," gets you to BlatherWatch, just "swimming suits for dockdogs." Although we're against even casual experimentation with testosterone, we got slightly jiggy when we found that someone had googled "six pack pics no underwear" or the perplexingly oxymoronic yet oddly erotic "hunky naked men in suits" and got us. We were chastened yet slightly relieved to find us high on the google page when sombody dialed up: "hallmark humor going away."
~ Mammaries are made of this, dep't. Sex, the Internet and Republicans- they go together like a Caesar salad. Seems Rhys Davis, 54, a radio DJ in Grays Harbor running as a Republican for county commissioner was suspended for a week from his job at Sunny 102.1 when a website he'd put up four years ago celebrating perky distaff milk glands turned back up in the middle of his campaign. Called "Racks by Rhys," the site featured the cleavage, and fully-frontals of bare naked women. A headline declared that breasts were his hobby. “I regret this and I’m big time sorry,” Davis said. His political career may be racked up for good- he was hoping to capture the District 3 seat for the Republicans for the first time in 50 years. (Memo to Republicans who need a gland for hobby: try the pineal- it's an up and known as "the family gland.")
~ Sean Hannity is warning listeners of the doom and terror we'll all live under if Democrats get a Congressional majority in November, and, he says, "It'll be the end of conservative shows like mine." One thing the right likes better than gloating over their success, is bemoaning their persecution. It's just another right-wing masturbation technique- and though you may not wanna shake our hand, we like our techniques better.
~ We'd heard Michael Medved (KTTH m-f, 12-3p) bragging about meeting with the President, a while back, but presumed it was only one of those White House photo ops they give to Little League heroes, nonagenarians, and people they either want to shut up or lube up. It turns out Medved was not alone with the Prez on Sept 15, but one of a bevy of broadcast banterers that included Neal Boortz, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Mike Gallagher. The meeting was supposed to be secret until Boortz blabbed it (he can't shut-up). Not too much of a stretch that there might have been a little of that famous Rovian strategizin' going on in the face of the Republicans' degraded political stature going into the election. Those particular talkers are all Bush parrots to the man (and that includes you, Laura). If you have any doubts that the right uses talk radio as a major mouth for their talking points, this little making-sure-you've-come-to-Jesus-and-are-still-there meeting oughta dispel at least a few of them. What we're wondering: where was Limbaugh? Has he been banished after all his pubic peccadilloes?
~ what a snitch! Dave Reichert called school officials after he and the President rolled by an Issaquah school bus and its driver gave Bush the finger. Reichert, ever the cop, got his way, and the driver, a woman, was fired. The President, whose reported fart jokes with staff has started a cottage industry of 'George Bush pull my finger dolls'; couldn't have been all that shocked. Maybe he'll pardon the driver when he leaves office.
~ We're in the depths of the summer talk radio dog days. Carlson is missing. Bryan Suits, the lowest rated talk host on KVI is filling in for Carlson (KVI m-f, 3-5). Larry Elder (the 2nd most boring talk host in the hemisphere) is filling in for Suits (KVI m-f, 5-8p). Bob "mom-calls-me-koo-koo" Van Dyne (KIRO m-f, 9p-1a) reads to himself on balmy summer nights. Bill O' Reilly, and Laura Ingraham coupled evilly on KTTH can't scrounge more than an .08% share; Lars Larsen charging in barely raises the numbers to a meager 1.0. No wonder folks bored out of their skulls are reading books, contemplating verbicide, and dialing up San Francisco's KGO in on the live stream.
~ our theory is that Bryan Styble has been given the overnight job at KIRO behind our back. He's been filling-in for a long, long time. There are now, we're told, bumps coming into his show from breaks that say, "You are listening to the Bryan Styble Show." This is new, say aghast staffers. His official AQH (average quarter hour) listener stood at 200, until yesterday afternoon, when Edna Dilman, of Perineum Bluff, B.C. passed in her sleep, leaving Bryan with only 199 stalwarts.
~~No matter that Ciscoe Morris (KIRO Saturdays, 10a-1p) "The Yodeling Garden Guy," and resident hunk at KIRO since Lou Pate left, has reportedly turned down offers for a peek-a-boo foto-spread for Men's Health Magazine and a reality show on the Gardening Channel involving futinia hedges and squads of hunky LA leaf-blowers in Hawaiian shirts and thong underwear. The former Wauwatosa church lawnboy says he won't take his clothes off for any kinda money. "Too much sun can kill a mighty Doug fir," he says, "nuff said." His commitment, he insists, is to the hydrangeas of the Pacific Northwest.
~~ It's our favorite radio commercial at the moment, so it's been placed on our hallowed ad list along with the Toe Tent. It's titillating especially early in the morning, to hear KTTH's hot, news frump Teresa Joy panting about the Hide-a-Hose, which we fantasize as a direct order. We're not sure exactly what it is, but we're hoping it's the suburban version of the Hide-a-Salami, (fyi, the Vancouver Island native edition is called the Haida Salami), which has always been a game that's given rise to more than our culinary passions.
~ Did Dave Ross actually ask that guy from the Discovery Institute if hernias were created by Intelligent Design? Yes, he did.
QUOTABLE: "Talking to you is like drinking from a fire hose. -Dave Ross to Carl Jeffers, Aug.18.