As the Pope goes in and out of the hospital, I'm been bracing myself for the Big Inevitable. It's not that I have an emotional attachment for the Pontiff--the grieving I'll be doing will be around the media black-out and page 6 treatment news will get while we eulogize him, pontificate over his sweet old carcass, and put him in the ground, or wherever Popes are put out for recycling.
Real news won't be re-booted until after the world's flock of Cardinals flutter into the Vatican and go through the elongated white smoke and gilded mirrors of a Papal campaign and inauguration. (Oh how I remember the anti-Pope John XXIII faction's '60's battle cry "Twenty-three Skidoo!"). The excitement, however, will be in sostenuto, and behind closed doors. Stale wafers of information placed on the tongues of reporters by Vatican minions will have to do.
Princess Di's doings blocked out the sun for nearly half a year.
We just went through Ronald Reagan's death, which went on for a month (two months on Fox and right-wing talk radio). After the elaborate send-off and florid beatification, observers were surprised the Gipper didn't rise back up after 3 days...
It could be like one very long late Friday afternoon--that time of the Washington week when politicians own up to embarrassing mistakes or announce dubious decisions by sneaking them into the sparsely read Saturday editions. George Bush could pull some tricks while the press are snoring at their keyboards in the Vatican pressroom and the suckers are watching the sectarian Roman spectacle. He might invade Iran, appoint Ron Silver to the Supreme Court; go on a bender or make good on his promise to put a man on Mars. No one would know for weeks, if at all.
My solution to the imminent smarm-fed bore-fest and subsequent loss of national productivity caused by these endless public memorials is for the cable companies to put up the Celebrity Death Channel. When a notable shuffles the mortal coil, here would be a 24/7 place for remembrances, caskets, biers, corteges, catafalques, riderless horses and empty boots. There'll be Lilies of the Valley and teddy bears, stirring words, and precious moments; teary eyes, eerie ties and candles lit by the 1000. You'll hear Gregorian chants, taps; and 'Amazing Grace' played on bagpipe, bugle, organ and fleugel or sung by overdressed children or the Norman Naberclacle Choir.
The Celebrity Death Channel could be a heartfelt place for those actually interested in mourning a public figure in the comfort of their own home with a few million close friends, and strive to attain that blessed Nirvana of our age: closure.
Great piece, Michael, had me gasping for air, I was laughing so hard. You're a breath of fresh air.
This one definitely comes under the title, "Long Overdue". Good idea, too bad it'll never happen; but we can dream.
Keep up the good work.
Posted by: karen | February 28, 2005 at 11:02 PM
You're going to hell, Mr. Smarty. You'll be jokin out of the other side of your fat mouth when THE LORD comes for the rest of us...
Posted by: anonymous | March 01, 2005 at 12:43 AM
You're going to hell, Mr. Smarty. You'll be jokin out of the other side of your fat mouth when THE LORD comes for the rest of us...
Posted by: anonymous | March 01, 2005 at 12:43 AM
One of the finest, well crafted and amusing articles I have had the pleasure to read in YEARS!
I'll be scraping for news details (perhaps on NPR) while the inebriated Bush appoints Silver and an erroneous "smart bomb", headed for Iran puts a man on Mars.
Excellent work Mr. Hood!
Posted by: Rollup Gridd | March 01, 2005 at 12:22 PM
Celebrity Death Channel: CDC (Center for Disease Control)
Dear Anonymous: Afraid to stand behind your convictions? How very Christlike!
Posted by: Rollup Gridd | March 01, 2005 at 12:27 PM
Brilliant! When Dave Ross runs for Congress next election, perhaps he can sponsor a CDC bill...cloture on closure. Love your pontificating, and applause for the fab updates on what up in the 'hood, Mr. Hood! As Fran Lebowitz said to me (we were laying in bed drinking wine),
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."
Posted by: Fremont | March 15, 2005 at 10:31 PM
Please contact me.
I have an idea to launch your thoughts and ideas on cable as 'The Death Channel'. Or maybe 'In Memorium' or some other suitable politically correct name.
What has highlighted the news the last few months?
Pope John Paul II
Terri Shiavo
Frank Perdue
Johhny Cochcran
Prince Ranier
Etc.
There is room on cable TV for a channel devoted to those who recently passed on. We're all going there someday. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Supplement it with ads for local funeral homes, pre-paid funeral arrangements, crematoria, Neptune ceremonies, public service announcements or feature stories about organ donation, living wills, past services, traditional rituals and services for various religious groups and other countries, etc. The list is endless.
It should NOT be morbid, nor sensational for the curiosity seekers. It should be factual, pragmatic, useful and as upbeat as we can make it.
More and more memorial services are not about mourning, but about a celebration of life.
Send me your thoughts. Best regards.
Conan
Conan Barry
13 Spruce Circle
PO Box 6332
Scarborough, ME 04070
Home: (207) 885-5395
Cell: (207) 329-1234
cbarry01@maine.rr.com
Posted by: Conan | April 07, 2005 at 08:17 AM